"I'm not as green as I'm cabbage looking".
Handy for when you suspect you're being hoodwinked. If your boyfriend comes home covered in love-bites he swears are self inflicted; if a shop assistant says “they suit you” when you emerge red faced from a changing room in a pair of leggings that give you the arse of Bernard Manning; if your Mother says the reason you are the spitting image of the milkman is her craving for yoghurt all through her pregnancy, you can say, wryly, “I'm not as green as I'm cabbage looking” or, in other words, “I may have a naïve face but I am actually rather clever and I don't believe you”.
WEDDINGS God, aren't they complicated these days? Along with the invitation to a 'do' we received this week, there was a booklet. With an index. It included FAQ's. One of the questions was 'What can we expect?' (How I wish the answer had been an honest 'Damp vol au vents and too many speeches' but no.) My friend Tamsin's big day a few years ago was quite a different kettle of wedding fish. It wasn't done on a budget: as she gravely told me “there is no budget”. She bought her wedding dress in a Warehouse sale and sent the 'bridesmaid' (i.e. least scruffy attending friend) out on the morning of the wedding to buy a cake for the reception in her tiny flat. The bridesmaid came back with Flintstones fairy cakes. When the screaming had subsided, the bridesmaid defended her decision. “They're discounted. Because they're damaged.”
And when Tamsin sent photos of the happy occasion to her new family in Australia, her Mother in Law wrote back “We can see your knickers through that dress”.
Now, that's a wedding.