BECKHAM'S BITS David Beckham, when will you have enough money? When will you stop putting pictures of yourself in your knickers up in shops? It’s distracting, frankly, and the tattoos make you look like a very well groomed pikey. If you spend a thousand pounds a day from now on, you’ll still have more disposable income than Midas, so please, Becks, put ‘em away.
MAVIS I know it shouldn’t be funny, but it is: I’ll miss the funnel collar that Mavis was sporting after her op. (She was ‘done’ – she will never know the joy of motherhood …)
MICHAEL JACKSON, OBVIOUSLY Never has the phrase ‘you couldn’t make it up’ come in so handy. Back at my school discos, Michael Jackson got us all up on our feet. He was so skinny, so supercool, and his voice was pure excitement, but my nostalgia is tinged by, God, so many things, where do I start? It’s a very complex sadness I’m experiencing over his death, the sort you have to pick over and examine to make sure what you’re actually feeling. There was only one feeling after the memorial concert though – Don’t let the Jacksons bring up his kids. Stroking that poor child with their ‘tribute’ gloves (where did that idea come from? Nobody wore ‘tribute’ support tights at my Nana’s funeral) after relishing her sobs in front of a worldwide audience while her Father’s coffin (gold, natch) stood a few feet away … those children would be better off going feral in the woods around L.A.
